Never use a cruelty when a joke will do in its place

You know what I did to kick off Health Month? I drank a pint of Newcastle, a pint of Bushmills, a vodka or two, smoked a bunch of cigarettes, and ate the fuck out of a plate of homemade enchiladas. While that was going on, I played several rounds of Uno with friends and listened to a lot of awesome records.

Likely I will be run over by a bus tomorrow, or I will die slowly of emphysema but still hang on till I'm 95, attaining my lifelong goal of being a grumpy, cantankerous old man and dying miserably, much like my forebears.

I salute those of you who have the wherewithal to deny yourselves all the shit you'd rather be doing for a month; I don't have the stones (or attention span) for that. But as someone who has been staring down the proverbial barrel since time immemorial, I gotta say, goddamn those enchiladas were good.