p0tat0es | Army to Trade Bullets for Pork

A Military source in Washington DC informed a gathering of Christian Pastors
last week that America's armed forces have a secret weapon against Muslim
terrorists. "Those who practice Islamic Fundamentalism are more terrified of
pork than they are of bullets," he said. "If they get near even the oink
from swine, they go straight to hell. We'd be fools not to use this against
them in combat."
Congress has already outlined a series of proposed military strikes that the
Pentagon is taking very seriously. Sources say that plans to load B-1
bombers with bacon, pork chops and pig knuckles are already underway. Hormel
Company has graciously donated over 100,000 tons of pig jowls, pickled ham
hocks and souse luncheon meat to aid in the war effort. As Secretary of
Defense Donald Rumsfeld pointed out in a recent Pentagon briefing: "Bacon
Bits are ideal for getting into those small, hard-to-reach places those
terrorists like to hide in." The NFL donated 150,000 pigskins to bounce off
the heads of the terrorists from 32,000 feet. "When them terrorists find out
that our boys are dippin' their bullets in pigs grease, they are gonna run
like hell!" said Senator Jesse Helms.
"Landover Baptist Church is telling all of its members who are farmers to
reach into their pig sties instead of their pockets for the next ten
Sundays," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We are going to have semis lined up by
the main sanctuary, and you can just load them hogs right up. They will be
shipped off to Hormel, Bob Evans, or boot camp. It's up to the U.S.
Military. Wherever them pigs can serve, in whole or in parts. According to
our reading of that Koran of theirs, even by-products work like a charm. The
CIA figures that, with big tubs of bacon falling everywhere, if the impact
doesn't kill them, the cholesterol will!"
Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, is rallying homemakers
throughout this great land to lend a spatula to the war effort. She tells
all of her Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers members who wish to
contribute bacon-bits for the airlifts: "Leave your soy-based imitation
bacon bits in the pantry, gals. While those crazy Islamics in Afghanistan,
who couldn't dress a salad with a yard of damask, won't be able to tell
Fakin Bacon® isn't real pig, that Allah of theirs probably can. So, let's
play it safe and leave the cheap imitation stuff for making twice-baked
potatoes and casseroles for friends who are sick. This whole swinephobia
just underscores the nutty things other religions will believe just because
it is written in a book somewhere!"
All of America is encouraged to contribute any kind of Pork, Swine, Hog,
Pig, Lard, Animal fat, Animal shortening, Gelatin, Hydrolyzed animal
protein/protein, Collagen, Enzymes, Tallow, Emulsifiers, Stabilizers (Mono
and Di-glycerides), Tween, Swine pepsin, Calcium separate, Poly-sorbates,
Monostearates or Fatty acids for a series of air strikes that will take
place over Afghanistan. Any farmer having an especially bright and
intelligent pig is encouraged to contact the Central Intelligence Agency as
there are currently three managerial openings in the "Terrorist Warnings"
mobile Winnebago unit.
One Landover Farmer who donated his 380lb prize sow said, "It was with tears
in my eyes that I sent Old Millie out to Andrews Air Force Base yesterday.
She is gonna make the best darn cave sniffer there ever was. And if she
don't gnaw off one of them terrorists' legs with that old snout like she
does our chickens - at least she'll make a good meal for the troops!"
Pastors are to encourage their church members to sponsor lard-coated
missiles with their family name, picture and choice of scripture. Said
Pastor Decaon Fred: "First, we are going to coat them folks with bacon
grease. Then, we are going to heat things up with some missiles. By this
time next month, Afghanistan is going to be covered from border to border
with some mighty tasty crackling."