John Richards is my hero
Oct. 16th, 2001 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
p0tat0esThe Deathbag: A Column By John Richards
THE GREATEST DECADE EVER.
The most celebrated radio station in the free world had its countdown of the best albums/artists of the decade known as the 90s. Seattle's own KCMU asked the public to vote for this and it was one perfect countdown. Once all the fat was trimmed (one local label which shall remain anonymous thought it would be cute to vote for all 5 or 6 artists on their label. Which is insulting on many levels, but the worst level is the one where they actually think we wouldnt notice!). It was a very complete, informative look at this wonderful decade of music. We must no forget there were also many, MANY examples of what was wrong with this decade and we here at The Deathbag couldnt let this year end without bitching and moaning about what was wrong with the decade that brought us an Mtv that no longer actually SHOWS videos, an ex-Menudo/Soap Opera star who will be on everyones worst of lists as soon as everyone figures out he is the anti-Christ, bands and artists who preach the indie life style and sell their music to Miller Beer for $180,000 (and dont think that indie didnt get a cut!) and a very disturbing trend of new bands that are ripping off artists I listened to growing up and I'm only 26 freaking years old! And then there was Hanson and Silverchair.
In the decade 90, Seattle went from a happy, happening hotbed of musical reativeness where bands such as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney and Soundgarden would not only still play around town but would collaborate constantly together be it live or be it in the studio. It was a magical place where every night you could find an unbelievable show choked to the back of a club on a Thursday with people of all ages going ape shit from start to finish of a set. This ended, bands broke up and moved on and we slowly became a center for bands who couldnt make it in their own hometowns. A punchline to a joke. A place where old Flop posters are up on a wall in a well to do uppity restaurant for the quirkiness of it all. Quality in music, venue and people dropped drastically. If Seattle came into the 1990s as the leader in all that is good and pure it ended as the city full of empty clubs, no all age venues, not one drop of excitement musically and a good chance of being destroyed by terrorists on New Years Day. More on that in the next Deathbag, let's get to the worst that music had to offer...
1. Gerardo Rico Suave. Sure this is an easy target but one must learn from mistakes from the past. He is a mistake. Ricky Martin is a mistake. 'NSync are a mistake. Ricky Shroeder changing his name to Rick is a mistake, Brittany Spears is a mistake, shes a hot mistake, but nonetheless, shes still a mistake.
2. Anything to do with the Macarena. Another easy target, but a very important target. Most people dont know that Macarena means Stupid fucks who will follow any trend when translated.
3. Andrew Ridgely's solo album, so bad we can't remember the name of it. The least he could have done was to jack off in a public restroom somewhere to get some hype.
4. Queensryche's Q2K, Yes's YES2K, Crosby Stills Old and Dumbs CSNandY2K, Will Smiths Willinemiunm. The first three spell washed up and the last one misspells throw up.
5. Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runner -on Creation- Sold 500 copies worldwide. I've spit on more people then who have bought this record. You should take the time to spit on anyone who buys this record.
7. Limp Bizkit. I dont think Ive ever listened to Limp Bizkit, but I hate them.
8. Offspring. I HAVE heard Offspring. Am I the only person on Earth who sees that they are aliens! They are here to kill us all! Don't you know that!? Cant you see!? Mind control, it's the only explanation.
9. Days of the New, Alanis, Lit, Mariah Carey. Alanis and Mariah don't even look good naked. Days of the New have never been good since Bo and Hope got divorced and Lit is just stupid.
9. REM. Quick, name any song on any of their last 4 albums? Who knew the drummer with the giant eyebrow held this band together? That confirms my theory on the magnetic power of the unibrow.
10. Candle box. Repeat after me, they are not a Seattle band, they are NOT a Seattle band, they moved here because they suck, they moved here because they suck, they are not a good band, they are not a good band, they are not even a band, they are not even a band that plays music, they are no longer around, they are no longer alive... if enough of you say it, the last one may come true!
11. The Counting Crows. The lead Crow, after finally making it in the biz, put in hair extensions, moved to LA and said that he had to go there to blend in with other famous people. Do you mean other famous fat fucks who put in hair extensions on their white boy afros? Oh, THOOOOSE famous people. Gotcha.
12. Hootie and the Blowfish. I saw Hootie when they came into town. They put on a great show. They sold millions and millions of albums. Their name is HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.
13. Stone Temple Pilots. I am I am I said I want to rip you off. I said I said I want to get fuuuuuucked up. I wanna wanna get close to skill. I want I want to burn out to soon. Scott, Scott Wieland (s?), earth to Scott, you perform in a dress thirty years after Iggy and Bowie did it, no one cares. You sound like Eddie Vedder 5 years after Eddie sounded like Eddie Vedder, no one cares. You get publicity for going into rehab every month and a half, no one cares. You break up the band, no one cares. You end up with Courtney Love for a short time, which over 400 men have already done for the sake of doing it, no one cares. You should have overdosed or killed yourself the first year you were popular, that way people would actually seek out your music in ten years.
14. Courtney Love's Hole. Someone has had to have made that joke before, right? RIGHT? Who would have thought driving the greatest musical genius of our decade, if not one of the greatest geniuses ever, to blowing his head off with a shotgun would do so much for a career. The first album, I admit, was very good. The last album, I admit, sounds worse than most things that come out of my ass.
15. Marilyn Manson. If he were to perform music without his costume, make up and persona it would be like listening to the Grateful Dead without being on drugs.
16. Puff Daddy. In my day they sued bastards like this. My day was 4 years ago.
17. Kid Rock. I can't find it in my heart to criticize a man who travels and performs with a midget. I can't find it in my heart to criticize a man who is smart enough to rip off everything that is popular in music and combine it into whatever it is that he combines it into. I can't even find it in my heart to criticize a man who never washes his hair, dresses like a pimp on a pimp's day off and never is without a dirty porn star on his arm. He shouldn't be on this list, I'm sorry. This guy is my fucking hero. I just WANT to hate him.
18. Jewel. She is the plague of the twentieth century. The plague from Alaska. Who knew Alaska would produce the plague? I curse whoever gave her any kind of encouragement growing up.
19. DJ Jazzy Jeff and his bitch ass fresh underachieving side kick prince. Wills formula is easy. Find a song that was a hit in the seventies, add a beat or two and call it his own. Make sure to market it to 12 year olds with no history of music whatsoever. Thats his current formula, his old formula created Parents Just Dont Understand. Actually now I understand why he has his current formula. Nevermind.
20. Metallica. Am I the only one who remembers OLD Metallica? Not just the hard core, headbanging, earth shattering Metallica but the Metallica who swore to never make a video, cut their hair or sell out to the man? Your videos suck, your haircuts suck and your on all fours you lying bastards. Kill em All! Whatever.
Enough of my hatred, here are some others from some good friends:
Matthew from a famous Seattle band writes:
1. "I Will Buy You a New Life" by Everclear: The rhyme scheme sucks. He rhymes "new" with "new" a lot in this song. Actually, everything by Everclear sucks, but I think this might be the worst one.
2. "Save Yourself" by Stabbing Westward: This song never gets stuck in my head. Thank god for the Super-Ego.
3. "Let's Go Steady" by the Cinematics: This is the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard. They were on the cover of "Gig" magazine, and there was a list of all their gear in there, too. Oh, I meant "backline."
4. "Live Through This" by Hole: Specifically, the version with Kurt on backing vocals. It's way too creepy for words and, more importantly, it sounds like shit. I mean, it's really, really terrible.
Reef from KTL writes:
The Farm - Groovy Train and any other song they ever recorded in their horrible career. Picture the scene - it's getting to the end of the 80's - you are a poor, white Manchester boy, living in a city where the local football teams are still getting fuck-off spanked by The Scouse Bastards and Those Cockney Gunner Fucks, all your friends who can afford it are moving to London 'cause the streets are paved with gold and the rich, beautiful women are 'into a bit of uncultured Northern Rough, right?,' and there's really nothing much to say about your home-town except that theres a lot of factories and drug-gang-warfare and the G-MEX Centre. Sure, you still have the ace musical heritage of Joy Divvy, New Order and The Fall, but all the cool new music is coming from poncey floppy-boy towns like fucking Oxford. Hmmm. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wonderful, wonderful 'Manchester And Vicinity' Scene is created part on purpose, part by accident, and bands like The 'appy Mondays, The Stone Roses and The Charlatans are making the NW look like the coolest place to live in the fooking country, right? Sorted, you think, until out of nowhere come The fucking Farm, the ugliest bunch of rag-tag muppets to ever make it out of The Mersey Tunnel, and with the horrible white-boy-groove enema of a record called 'Groovy Train' landing at number one on Top Of The bleeding Pops, your region's fate is sealed and everyone who was praising your area is now laughing at it and all bragging rights are shot and so you move to London with all the Cockney Shandy-Drinking Poofs and find the streets are paved with shit and bombs go off all the time and there's race-riots outside your flat on a daily basis but yeah, the sexy rich women ARE into a bit of Northern Soul, and theres a new scene starting there with Suede and Blur and stuff so its all cool, and then you move to America or something.
Erin from Portland Writes:
Hmmm Kenny G's Greatest Hits should to rank up there as one of the worst. Who the hell decided those were his greatest hits? Anyway, that dude has a gigantic head, it's ungodly.
Candlebox's album was pretty shitty.
That one Cher song with that video of her on the deck of some fuckin' warship. And all the dudes where drooling over her goofy S&M outfit and she had a tattoo or her ass that looked like she just let loose a load in her G-string.
Recently I think Creed, Korn and Limp Bizkit are pretty much skid marks on the musical underwear of life.
Dr Leon Berman of KCMU Shake the Shack Fame writes:
Oh Johnny -
The Theme Song from The Titanic Movie by Celine Dion has got to be not only the worst song, but also the most annoying... the masses are a sick bunch. I rank it right up there with having a nail hammered through my left testicle.
John from Duvall Washington writes:
1. Kill Army- "Silent Weapons For Quiet Wars", I hate rap but this album really sucks. The best solution for this band is to remain silent and kill themselves.
2. Michael Jackson - "His Story" when I want 75 minutes of a man having sex with children I go to my porn stash not my record player.
3. Madonna "her latest trash" pick a fucking persona you psychotic schizophrenic slut
4 SHAQ "Shaq Diesel" do I have to fucking say anything
5 "Apocallyptica" Although I loved this album it might not be amusing to others to hear 4 cellos rocking out to Metallica.
Jenny from a very Sub famous Pop label writes:
Worst of the 90's is the current *Rape Rock* selection we have to choose from..
Limp Bizquit
Korn etc.
that's my 2 cents.
Local Jazz DJ Abe writes (and I add witty comments):
Pearl Jam: Ten (You can tell Abe is from Seattle)
Stone Temple Pilots: Core (You can REALLY tell Abe is from Seattle)
Candlebox: Candlebox (Abe can tell THEY aren't from Seattle)
U2: Zooropa (Their tour came through Seattle with a giant lemon on stage, complete with sucking sound).
Green Day: Dookie (I saw them spit into the mouths of their fans when they played the Gorge outside of Seattle, it was the best thing about their show besides the part, and I quote, "We don't need that Mtv shit anymore. We are done making videos. We never used to need them and we don't need them anymore!" Crowd goes nuts, Green Day goes on to make 6 more videos.)
No Doubt: Tragic Kingdom (Tragic Album)
Dave Matthews Band: Crash (Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me. Play that fucking CD on the radio a little more and I'll destroy your world for you.)
Puff Daddy: No Way Out (Puff rhymes with Enough)
Jewel: A Night Without Armor: Poems by Jewel (A poem by Jewel is like a shower without water)
Its now the year 2000, Y2K was a AOK (Sorry) and the world awaits technology that will allow us to download, access, purchase, control, create and do things we don't even understand yet with music. But let's not forget, just because its accessible doesn't mean its any good. Quality is still an issue. Just look at Seattle in the early 1990s, people thought that was the beginning. It was, the beginning of the end.
And hey, lets be careful out there.
THE GREATEST DECADE EVER.
The most celebrated radio station in the free world had its countdown of the best albums/artists of the decade known as the 90s. Seattle's own KCMU asked the public to vote for this and it was one perfect countdown. Once all the fat was trimmed (one local label which shall remain anonymous thought it would be cute to vote for all 5 or 6 artists on their label. Which is insulting on many levels, but the worst level is the one where they actually think we wouldnt notice!). It was a very complete, informative look at this wonderful decade of music. We must no forget there were also many, MANY examples of what was wrong with this decade and we here at The Deathbag couldnt let this year end without bitching and moaning about what was wrong with the decade that brought us an Mtv that no longer actually SHOWS videos, an ex-Menudo/Soap Opera star who will be on everyones worst of lists as soon as everyone figures out he is the anti-Christ, bands and artists who preach the indie life style and sell their music to Miller Beer for $180,000 (and dont think that indie didnt get a cut!) and a very disturbing trend of new bands that are ripping off artists I listened to growing up and I'm only 26 freaking years old! And then there was Hanson and Silverchair.
In the decade 90, Seattle went from a happy, happening hotbed of musical reativeness where bands such as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney and Soundgarden would not only still play around town but would collaborate constantly together be it live or be it in the studio. It was a magical place where every night you could find an unbelievable show choked to the back of a club on a Thursday with people of all ages going ape shit from start to finish of a set. This ended, bands broke up and moved on and we slowly became a center for bands who couldnt make it in their own hometowns. A punchline to a joke. A place where old Flop posters are up on a wall in a well to do uppity restaurant for the quirkiness of it all. Quality in music, venue and people dropped drastically. If Seattle came into the 1990s as the leader in all that is good and pure it ended as the city full of empty clubs, no all age venues, not one drop of excitement musically and a good chance of being destroyed by terrorists on New Years Day. More on that in the next Deathbag, let's get to the worst that music had to offer...
1. Gerardo Rico Suave. Sure this is an easy target but one must learn from mistakes from the past. He is a mistake. Ricky Martin is a mistake. 'NSync are a mistake. Ricky Shroeder changing his name to Rick is a mistake, Brittany Spears is a mistake, shes a hot mistake, but nonetheless, shes still a mistake.
2. Anything to do with the Macarena. Another easy target, but a very important target. Most people dont know that Macarena means Stupid fucks who will follow any trend when translated.
3. Andrew Ridgely's solo album, so bad we can't remember the name of it. The least he could have done was to jack off in a public restroom somewhere to get some hype.
4. Queensryche's Q2K, Yes's YES2K, Crosby Stills Old and Dumbs CSNandY2K, Will Smiths Willinemiunm. The first three spell washed up and the last one misspells throw up.
5. Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runner -on Creation- Sold 500 copies worldwide. I've spit on more people then who have bought this record. You should take the time to spit on anyone who buys this record.
7. Limp Bizkit. I dont think Ive ever listened to Limp Bizkit, but I hate them.
8. Offspring. I HAVE heard Offspring. Am I the only person on Earth who sees that they are aliens! They are here to kill us all! Don't you know that!? Cant you see!? Mind control, it's the only explanation.
9. Days of the New, Alanis, Lit, Mariah Carey. Alanis and Mariah don't even look good naked. Days of the New have never been good since Bo and Hope got divorced and Lit is just stupid.
9. REM. Quick, name any song on any of their last 4 albums? Who knew the drummer with the giant eyebrow held this band together? That confirms my theory on the magnetic power of the unibrow.
10. Candle box. Repeat after me, they are not a Seattle band, they are NOT a Seattle band, they moved here because they suck, they moved here because they suck, they are not a good band, they are not a good band, they are not even a band, they are not even a band that plays music, they are no longer around, they are no longer alive... if enough of you say it, the last one may come true!
11. The Counting Crows. The lead Crow, after finally making it in the biz, put in hair extensions, moved to LA and said that he had to go there to blend in with other famous people. Do you mean other famous fat fucks who put in hair extensions on their white boy afros? Oh, THOOOOSE famous people. Gotcha.
12. Hootie and the Blowfish. I saw Hootie when they came into town. They put on a great show. They sold millions and millions of albums. Their name is HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.
13. Stone Temple Pilots. I am I am I said I want to rip you off. I said I said I want to get fuuuuuucked up. I wanna wanna get close to skill. I want I want to burn out to soon. Scott, Scott Wieland (s?), earth to Scott, you perform in a dress thirty years after Iggy and Bowie did it, no one cares. You sound like Eddie Vedder 5 years after Eddie sounded like Eddie Vedder, no one cares. You get publicity for going into rehab every month and a half, no one cares. You break up the band, no one cares. You end up with Courtney Love for a short time, which over 400 men have already done for the sake of doing it, no one cares. You should have overdosed or killed yourself the first year you were popular, that way people would actually seek out your music in ten years.
14. Courtney Love's Hole. Someone has had to have made that joke before, right? RIGHT? Who would have thought driving the greatest musical genius of our decade, if not one of the greatest geniuses ever, to blowing his head off with a shotgun would do so much for a career. The first album, I admit, was very good. The last album, I admit, sounds worse than most things that come out of my ass.
15. Marilyn Manson. If he were to perform music without his costume, make up and persona it would be like listening to the Grateful Dead without being on drugs.
16. Puff Daddy. In my day they sued bastards like this. My day was 4 years ago.
17. Kid Rock. I can't find it in my heart to criticize a man who travels and performs with a midget. I can't find it in my heart to criticize a man who is smart enough to rip off everything that is popular in music and combine it into whatever it is that he combines it into. I can't even find it in my heart to criticize a man who never washes his hair, dresses like a pimp on a pimp's day off and never is without a dirty porn star on his arm. He shouldn't be on this list, I'm sorry. This guy is my fucking hero. I just WANT to hate him.
18. Jewel. She is the plague of the twentieth century. The plague from Alaska. Who knew Alaska would produce the plague? I curse whoever gave her any kind of encouragement growing up.
19. DJ Jazzy Jeff and his bitch ass fresh underachieving side kick prince. Wills formula is easy. Find a song that was a hit in the seventies, add a beat or two and call it his own. Make sure to market it to 12 year olds with no history of music whatsoever. Thats his current formula, his old formula created Parents Just Dont Understand. Actually now I understand why he has his current formula. Nevermind.
20. Metallica. Am I the only one who remembers OLD Metallica? Not just the hard core, headbanging, earth shattering Metallica but the Metallica who swore to never make a video, cut their hair or sell out to the man? Your videos suck, your haircuts suck and your on all fours you lying bastards. Kill em All! Whatever.
Enough of my hatred, here are some others from some good friends:
Matthew from a famous Seattle band writes:
1. "I Will Buy You a New Life" by Everclear: The rhyme scheme sucks. He rhymes "new" with "new" a lot in this song. Actually, everything by Everclear sucks, but I think this might be the worst one.
2. "Save Yourself" by Stabbing Westward: This song never gets stuck in my head. Thank god for the Super-Ego.
3. "Let's Go Steady" by the Cinematics: This is the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard. They were on the cover of "Gig" magazine, and there was a list of all their gear in there, too. Oh, I meant "backline."
4. "Live Through This" by Hole: Specifically, the version with Kurt on backing vocals. It's way too creepy for words and, more importantly, it sounds like shit. I mean, it's really, really terrible.
Reef from KTL writes:
The Farm - Groovy Train and any other song they ever recorded in their horrible career. Picture the scene - it's getting to the end of the 80's - you are a poor, white Manchester boy, living in a city where the local football teams are still getting fuck-off spanked by The Scouse Bastards and Those Cockney Gunner Fucks, all your friends who can afford it are moving to London 'cause the streets are paved with gold and the rich, beautiful women are 'into a bit of uncultured Northern Rough, right?,' and there's really nothing much to say about your home-town except that theres a lot of factories and drug-gang-warfare and the G-MEX Centre. Sure, you still have the ace musical heritage of Joy Divvy, New Order and The Fall, but all the cool new music is coming from poncey floppy-boy towns like fucking Oxford. Hmmm. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wonderful, wonderful 'Manchester And Vicinity' Scene is created part on purpose, part by accident, and bands like The 'appy Mondays, The Stone Roses and The Charlatans are making the NW look like the coolest place to live in the fooking country, right? Sorted, you think, until out of nowhere come The fucking Farm, the ugliest bunch of rag-tag muppets to ever make it out of The Mersey Tunnel, and with the horrible white-boy-groove enema of a record called 'Groovy Train' landing at number one on Top Of The bleeding Pops, your region's fate is sealed and everyone who was praising your area is now laughing at it and all bragging rights are shot and so you move to London with all the Cockney Shandy-Drinking Poofs and find the streets are paved with shit and bombs go off all the time and there's race-riots outside your flat on a daily basis but yeah, the sexy rich women ARE into a bit of Northern Soul, and theres a new scene starting there with Suede and Blur and stuff so its all cool, and then you move to America or something.
Erin from Portland Writes:
Hmmm Kenny G's Greatest Hits should to rank up there as one of the worst. Who the hell decided those were his greatest hits? Anyway, that dude has a gigantic head, it's ungodly.
Candlebox's album was pretty shitty.
That one Cher song with that video of her on the deck of some fuckin' warship. And all the dudes where drooling over her goofy S&M outfit and she had a tattoo or her ass that looked like she just let loose a load in her G-string.
Recently I think Creed, Korn and Limp Bizkit are pretty much skid marks on the musical underwear of life.
Dr Leon Berman of KCMU Shake the Shack Fame writes:
Oh Johnny -
The Theme Song from The Titanic Movie by Celine Dion has got to be not only the worst song, but also the most annoying... the masses are a sick bunch. I rank it right up there with having a nail hammered through my left testicle.
John from Duvall Washington writes:
1. Kill Army- "Silent Weapons For Quiet Wars", I hate rap but this album really sucks. The best solution for this band is to remain silent and kill themselves.
2. Michael Jackson - "His Story" when I want 75 minutes of a man having sex with children I go to my porn stash not my record player.
3. Madonna "her latest trash" pick a fucking persona you psychotic schizophrenic slut
4 SHAQ "Shaq Diesel" do I have to fucking say anything
5 "Apocallyptica" Although I loved this album it might not be amusing to others to hear 4 cellos rocking out to Metallica.
Jenny from a very Sub famous Pop label writes:
Worst of the 90's is the current *Rape Rock* selection we have to choose from..
Limp Bizquit
Korn etc.
that's my 2 cents.
Local Jazz DJ Abe writes (and I add witty comments):
Pearl Jam: Ten (You can tell Abe is from Seattle)
Stone Temple Pilots: Core (You can REALLY tell Abe is from Seattle)
Candlebox: Candlebox (Abe can tell THEY aren't from Seattle)
U2: Zooropa (Their tour came through Seattle with a giant lemon on stage, complete with sucking sound).
Green Day: Dookie (I saw them spit into the mouths of their fans when they played the Gorge outside of Seattle, it was the best thing about their show besides the part, and I quote, "We don't need that Mtv shit anymore. We are done making videos. We never used to need them and we don't need them anymore!" Crowd goes nuts, Green Day goes on to make 6 more videos.)
No Doubt: Tragic Kingdom (Tragic Album)
Dave Matthews Band: Crash (Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me. Play that fucking CD on the radio a little more and I'll destroy your world for you.)
Puff Daddy: No Way Out (Puff rhymes with Enough)
Jewel: A Night Without Armor: Poems by Jewel (A poem by Jewel is like a shower without water)
Its now the year 2000, Y2K was a AOK (Sorry) and the world awaits technology that will allow us to download, access, purchase, control, create and do things we don't even understand yet with music. But let's not forget, just because its accessible doesn't mean its any good. Quality is still an issue. Just look at Seattle in the early 1990s, people thought that was the beginning. It was, the beginning of the end.
And hey, lets be careful out there.
