p0tat0es | Subject: Oakland, CA high school translation competition

>> >> AN ACTUAL ASSIGNMENT IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> >>
>> >> This paper was turned in by a white Oakland High school
>> >> student who received the highest honors at the
>> >> school district's ebonics translation competition.

Ed's note: Curious that the school district would have an Ebonics Translation Competition. Smells like typical Internet bullshit. But funny, still. Read on.
>> >>
>> >> ASSIGNMENT: Please translate the following rap song
>> >> lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.
>> >>
>> >> ARTIST: Notorious B.I.G.
>> >> ALBUM: Ready to Die
>> >> SONG: One More Chance (remix)
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
>> >> Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
>> >> Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'
>> >> But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
>> >> Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never,
>> >> black and ugly as ever
>> >> However, I stay coochied down to the socks
>> >> Rings and watch filled with rocks
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts
>> >> with women of all kinds, including but not limited
>> >> to those with limited intellect, nude magazine
>> >> models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy
>> >> sexual encounters with the latter group as they are
>> >> generally disappointed in the fact that they only
>> >> receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless
>> >> of course, they douche on a consistent basis.
>> >> Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to
>> >> engage in these types of sexual acts with some
>> >> regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related
>> >> to my fancy and expensive jewelry.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
>> >> Girls pee pee when they see me,
>> >> Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
>> >> As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
>> >> Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo.
>> >> Apparently, women enjoy this also because they
>> >> become sexually aroused when they see me driving.
>> >> Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American
>> >> reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous
>> >> Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes.
>> >> Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such
>> >> actions are unacceptable.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it Now
>> >> tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
>> >> In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I don't know
>> >> what the hell's stoppin' ya
>> >> I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya Once
>> >> ya grin, I'm in game, begin
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> Understand this fact: you can have neither my money,
>> >> nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your
>> >> peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts.
>> >> Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the
>> >> Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty
>> >> understanding why you refuse to approach me. I
>> >> am attempting to make eye contact with you through
>> >> my expensive glasses,and as soon as you respond with
>> >> a smile, I will approach you.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> First I talk about how I dress and this
>> >> And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses
>> >> The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
>> >> Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
>> >> Climax that your man can't make
>> >> Call and tell him you'll be home real late Let's
>> >> sing the break
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> I prefer to open the conversation with light banter
>> >> about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to
>> >> discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is
>> >> more than enough to convince you to have sexual
>> >> intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis
>> >> further into you when I enter you from behind.
>> >> Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I
>> >> understand this to be a problem with your current
>> >> sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your
>> >> whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that
>> >> you won't be home for a while. By the way, please
>> >> sing the chorus of the song for me also.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> She's sick of that song on how it's so long
>> >> Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
>> >> There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
>> >> Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
>> >> Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me
>> >> True player for real, ask Puff Daddy
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear
>> >> your fabrications about the length of your member.
>> >> After I had sexual intercourse with
>> >> your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper
>> >> way it is supposed to be performed; violently and
>> >> immorally. It would be in your best interest to
>> >> keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is
>> >> very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff
>> >> Daddy.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
>> >> Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
>> >> Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
>> >> She beeped me, meet me at twelve
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at
>> >> her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and
>> >> a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you
>> >> financed by signing over your current vehicle)
>> >> containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone,
>> >> your woman has contacted me
>> >> through my pager indicating that we should
>> >> rendezvous at midnight.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
>> >> While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast
>> >> stroke
>> >> Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
>> >> Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
>> >> Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
>> >> I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely
>> >> able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you
>> >> purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I
>> >> continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit
>> >> lewd osculatory acts with your woman. My only
>> >> remaining option is to request that she leave my
>> >> home and return to you because I have reached orgasm
>> >> and no longer have a need for her presence.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
>> >> We can cruise the world with pearls
>> >> Gator boots for girls
>> >> The envy of all women, crushed linen
>> >> Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
>> >> The finest women I love with a passion
>> >> Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you
>> >> choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on
>> >> cruises around the world. I will dress you in the
>> >> finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by
>> >> women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry.
>> >> There is a special place in my heart for beautiful
>> >> women. I will defeat your man in an altercation
>> >> because he is effeminate.
>> >>
>> >> LYRICS:
>> >> High fashion - flyin' into all states.
>> >> Sexin' me while your man masturbates.
>> >> Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
>> >> Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
>> >> Lyrically I'm supposed to represent.
>> >> I'm not only the client, I'm the player president
>> >>
>> >> TRANSLATION:
>> >> You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways
>> >> of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for
>> >> fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual
>> >> intercourse with me and your man will be forced to
>> >> pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a
>> >> life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch
>> >> your 8 o'clock flight. The timing is perfect
>> >> because I have scheduled a date with a second woman
>> >> who arrives
>> >> at the same gate at 9 o'clock. I'll seduce her in
>> >> the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I
>> >> am a positive reflection of my home town.
>> >> Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic,
>> >> immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on
>> >> the board of directors of the organization
>> >> that governs others of my kind.